Day 4

Well, ready steady go.

The last two days I have taken my writing in form of letter. I liked that. It kept things more personal and I realized that while I capture the outline of a few things in my last post, it was very much lacking any personal feeling to it.  Everything that would make you interested in what someone was telling you because you were invested in them and what they were saying or going through was missing from that last post.  So, here's what you're going to get. I am going to write this blog like I am writing to my best friend. I am going to assume that she is the only one readying it and that I am writing it just for her, and in a way I really am writing for her.

So there was this one Sunday at a Snow College.  The lesson in relief society was on the importance of a woman's role in her family and in her life.  I remember going home from this lesson, I was SO pissed off at the end. I talked with my roommates about their thoughts on it and it became very clear to me that I was in the minority.  I did not think that my duties should be dependent on my gender.  I really didn't like the idea of having to teach that to my children either.  I was totally stunned to know that I was arguing with my friends about it as well.  I just assumed that we would ALL be bothered by this,and yet somehow I was the only one that did not agree. Later that same year I watched the movie, "What Women Want" with boyfriend 'x' of the time and at the end of it I just started bawling.  All  of the thoughts that the men were having were exactly what I was thinking and all the thoughts that the women were having seemed totally foreign to me. I felt totally isolated from my "Gender".  I know that I can be pretty "girly" but it was always so hard for me to really feel connected to other women. I having always been very insecure about who I am and other girls were scary. Growing up with a brother on either side of me and playing the Tuba, it was just easy to surround myself with guys.  Guys are inherently easy to understand.  Girls-umm... not so much.

Now I am living this life and really struggling to understand these boundaries.  When I meet Seth I was astounded at how Gabe was all boy.  I was in the kitchen one day and I turned around to see him pounding his cars into the ground and making crashing noises.  It didn't take long for him to start smashing them into each other and laughing.  And this from a kid who really didn't have too much expression at an early age.  Just instinctively knew to bash them around.  When I found out I was pregnant, I knew she was a "she" and I can't even count the number of counseling session I had just crying with Seth and our counselor about how I didn't know how to raise a girl.  I was terrified at the amount of damage I was going to do to her just by being her mother when I really had no concept of "woman".  What chance does she really have if I am where she is gong to have to turn to learn how to do her hair, and makeup, and gain any sense of style from. I hate pink- just hate it.  My favorite color- Orange... you know that color most people hate, or at least actively ignore.  I like to watch sports and follow teams more than Seth does, and I PLAYED THE TUBA ON PURPOSE. This poor kid, I thought, was going to come out with no idea what she was supposed to be like and grow up in this world full of men surrounding her on a daily basis.

And you know what? She is ALL girl. Totally and completely.  And she's pretty bad ass already. A little girly fighter that one. She is just all piss and vinegar if you try to hold her down, and all smiles and laughter if she feels free.  It's as though every bow and flower and pink thing in the world is just naturally finding it's way to her through the universe. Never have I seen a kid more enchanted with their own reflection. She refuses to sleep because she is too busy crawling and sitting up and trying to walk.  I think she's going to be just fine and I'm excited to watch her grow up as the girliest Tom-boy ever!

As for my own struggle with my responsibility to my gender? It's still there and harder than ever to navigate.  I was so certain that I would be strong enough to do this baby thing without needing any help that I told Seth when we first found out I was pregnant that he didn't have to worry about anything changing because I would just take care of it myself.  I could do it all. Have the job, care for the baby, keep up the house, and going out and have fun without any problems. I was going to ROCK it! And then you know what happened? I because a mom.  I absolutely CAN NOT do this by myself.  I have never had to trust someone harder than I didn't when I trusted Seth to help pull me through the birth of our child.  I buckled and hit a wall of doubt and fear and uncertainty that I was certain I would not hit leading up to my labor. I thought I had done all the research that I needed to and that natural childbirth would be, and what it turned into was amazing and beautiful and also the scariest and most trying thing I've ever done.  He brought me through it and was the reason to stuck to having her naturally. Now that she's here it's such a struggle to know who is responsible for what. Do I stay up with her? Should he? Which of us needs to step up daycare? Who is feeding her that night? And staying/getting up with her when she cried? Should I be doing all the laundry? And cleaning the house? Walking the dogs? Who's turn is it?

So quickly I went from doing it all myself and and feeling like I wouldn't need help, to crying at night trying to get any help I can. I guess maybe one day I'll figure it out.