Banana Fanana Mo Manana

Brooke Brooke Bo Brooke, Banana Fanana Mo Mrooke, Fe Fi Fo Frooke Brooke

Sick sick Bo Bick, Banana Fanana Mo Mick, Fe Fi Fo Fick, Sick

Safe Safe Bo Bafe, Banana Fanana Mo Mafe, Fe Fi Fo Fafe, Safe

That's hospital lingo for, "Yes, you are in the hospital and everything you say from here on out will be turned around and spit back out at you until you have now idea of what's safe and what's not while we treat you so that you will be as agreeable as possible. Ready??"

Not that they do it to purposely degrade, belittle, or demean you, because they don't. They're very nice about telling you that you don't really know anything and that you have to do what they tell you or you are being a bad mother. And, honestly, I agree with them. I know very little about certain things when it comes to health and hospitals, but other things I do know. Radiation is bad for unborn babies. Narcotics, bad for baby. Constricted blood flow, bad for baby. I also know that blood clots in mom's lungs bad for baby. Reduced oxygen saturation so that mom and baby can't breath is going to be bad. Antihistamines, inhalants, antacids, Tylenol, processed hospital foods, stool softeners, etc., those are all the things that I'm not sure about. And I mean I really just do not know. 

Before I ever got pregnant, and certainly when I first found out that I was, I had all sorts of ideals and bottom lines for what I was going to allow to be a part of my pregnancy.
All natural. 100%. All the way. No medicine.
Me+Vegan=Happiest, Healthiest Baby Possible (even went out and bought Skinny Bitch:Bun in the Oven)
Exercise was going to happen every day.
Home Water birth with the Midwife of my choosing.
My baby would be a girl.
And everything would be smooth sailing at work and home right up until the delivery.

Well, I got the girl part right. Everything else I have been completely wrong about. Here's the weird part, I expected to have the realization that everything I "know" about being a mom was wrong once the baby gets here, but pregnancy was the part that I thought was really going to be in my control and that I could still "be in charge of".

At 14 weeks I was hospitalized the first time with pneumonia. They kept me for 4 days, all of which Seth was out of town and unreachable for. It was awful. I was scared and didn't know what was going with the baby, with me, or what I should allow. I knew that x-rays and CT Scans were baby and those were two of the first things that they wanted me to do. Very grateful to have my mom and step-dad there with me I started to agree to tests that needed to be done to be sure that baby and I were ok. The CT technician was my favorite part of the day. She was the first person that day to tell me that I was the boss of my body and that she wasn't going to do anything without my saying it was OK, regardless of what the doctors told her. Then she proceeded to give me really facts that corresponded with things that I already knew. In the end, we did the CT, but only after I insisted that all other tests were run first. Then my favorite technician told me that the dye was going to make me feel like I was peeing my pants, or having a "fun time". After all was said and done, everyone was able to rest easier knowing that all major complications that could endanger my life and baby's life had been ruled out and that it was pneumonia. They weren't sure of the type, but they were treating it and soon I went home. Follow up visit with my doctor said I was doing well and life was happy.

Skip forward 5 weeks, and after spending a lovely, relaxing extra long weekend in California with my bestie, I fly home and anxiously await from Seth to return home from his long Memorial Day weekend also. Things are good and great, I see some friends that Monday, get everything ready for work on Tuesday, have dinner with my favorite man and go to bed with the humidifier running because Seth had, quite literally, no voice left to speak of. Around 2:00 I wake up coughing, just like before, and we turn down the humidifier. I immediately find the inhaler they prescribed me and take my puffs on it to subdue the cough. 2:30 I leave the room and sleep on the spare bed in Gabe's room. 3:00, my entire body is engulfed with a severe throbbing ache and I can not breath more than about 1 second at a time. I go back into our room and wake up Seth. After asking if I want to go to the hospital or have him go get some cough syrup I decide to take one of the Tylenol with codeine that I was sent home from the hospital with the first time. Since I was in so much pain and my chest and throat were so tight, I thought maybe it might help me relax and breath deeper allowing me to calm down and stop coughing. 3:15 I start to throw up, violently anything that is in my body, including the Tylenol. I was also running a fever so I laid down in the cold, porcelain tub to cool off when Seth came in to ask again if I want to go to the hospital, and we are on our way. Once we got to the hospital they checked my stats about 3 times, not believing they were accurate (Blood pressure 84/42; Oxy 82% saturation; Heart rate 139; and temp 102.2) and then called back the same doctor that saw me the previous month. My doctor was called, tests were run and I was admitted to the Woman's Pavilion much quicker this time and give A LOT more tests. It was made known, again, at the very beginning that I did not want to do another CT scan, and with the previous one being negative and all my symptoms being the same as before we were able to agree to start treatment and run a CT in the event that treatment was not helping.

While I've been here I've been able to imply a little bit of wisdom given to my by a dear, unfortunately-experienced hospital going best friend of mine. Alissa told me while I was talking to her in California about my last stay that the most important thing is to treat your nursing staff like gold and your doctors like they do in fact work for you. If you have ever worked for me, you're welcome to take pity on the doctors and I won't take offense. In doing this I have this fabulous set or respiratory staff that are like my personal Charlies Angles. Not only are the the most fabulous ladies in the world who work every week in the NI-CU helping to facilitate life and miracles, they bring me all the dirt- On ANYTHING I WANT. It's awesome. They made sure that I was getting enough treatments, that I was moved to a room closer to the nurses stand because they were so worried about my stats over night, brought me an "illegal" desk fan for my room because the pregnancy was giving me a false fever and then when my stats started going up go me switch to a room that has beautiful views of the mountains with large windows and a mini-fridge and a much better cooling system. These ladies ARE AWESOME. And they're funny, and say things to me like, "Are you watching a porn film?", actually said foreign film, but now tells me to enjoy my porn loudly as she leaves my room each night, "Where'd the loud one go?", in reference to Seth-even with his lost voice, and gossip with me about the other wings in the hospital and staffs. I love it.

I was so sure that I was going home that day, but now it is 6 days later and I still have at least two days left to go. But we have been able to confirm the rare form of pneumonia that I have and run test to show that treatment is working and I am getting well. The doctors have all said how surprised they are at how quickly I'm improving, but that the road to full recovery will still be a long one. What they meant was that I have to take it easy and not think I'm healed. I'm trying to figure out how to do that, but I'm willing to give it my best go ever. We found out that we're having a girl and all the ladies keep coming by and congratulating me.

And here is what I have learned the most. Trust yourself. Trust what you feel and your gut instincts. Go with them. When we lost Anooke camping I knew we should only keep going North until we found her, but I didn't stick to my guts and I should have. I thought I should go to the hospital the first time a week earlier than we did, but didn't trust myself. As I lay in the empty cold tub barely breathing I almost said no that I didn't want to go to the hospital and that I would try cough syrup instead. We couldn't have waited another week for me to finally trust myself this time. When I crave meat, I trust my body and I eat it. I do try not to eat all the hotdogs in the state of Utah, like I would like to, but instead eat meats that are from happy, healthy, local, organic producers. And after I eat it, I don't stress about it and add more bad toxins to my body and baby. When I can avoid medicines, I do at all costs. I have all toxic free products in our house and for our bodies. And I try to be wise with my energy even. For now that means not exercising, but relaxing and having down time to take better care of my tired body for baby and me. And I still am stuck on the name Prudence. And I don't think it's a rude name for a baby.

For all the things I thought I would do, the one thing that I have been able to do is protect my baby and make the hard decisions that are ultimately going to be made for me if I don't. And I will continue to fight to make the right ones.

It's ok.....

"I think I'm dying."
"You're not dying."
"Are you sure, because really I could be?"
"I'm sure."
"But what if I have pneumonia and I'm killing the baby??"
"How would you have pneumonia?"
"Well, the other night when we ran humidifier it got pretty cold in our room AND when I woke up it was raining from the ceiling on my face from all the water, I could have gotten it then."
"It was still over 65 degrees in our room, you don't have pneumonia."
"I could have squished the baby from all my coughing. What if I squished her (gender still unkown) and I'm feeling sick because my body's trying to tell me something is wrong???"
"You didn't squish 'her'."
"I could ha.."
"No, you didn't."
"Well, when I spoke with the doctors office this week they told me that if I had a fever combined with the body aches and cough that I should go to Instant Care, do you think I have a fever?"
"Let's See".........."No, you don't have a fever. Do you think you need to go to Instant Care?"
Sigh.."I don't know... I mean.... I'm really achy and nothing is helping, but if I don't have a fever probably not. But you're the logical one right now so you tell me..."
"Baby, you're fine. I'm sorry you don't feel good but it's just a cold. You'll feel better in the morning."

And damn it all, I did. I never thought it would be so nice to be so wrong.

Peter Piper Picked a Peck of Pickled Peppers

A peck of pickled pepper Peter Piper picked. If Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers, where the peck of pickled Peppers Peter Piper Picked?

In Me! That's where.

Yup it's true, there a little peck of a pepper currently growing inside of me right now. I feel a bit like an incubator right now, waiting and hoping everyday for the little one to grow just a little bit bigger and for the weeks to go just a little bit faster. Even looking forward to my stomach starting to get a little to big. If it weren't for the sudden laughing and crying fits that I've been having, oh and the non-stop feeling that my body is no longer my body but instead an alien form that is sick all the time that I can't quite control, it wouldn't seem like this whole thing was real.

But then, THEN, I have another doctors appointment. I get to see that little heart, you know the one that is inside of my body but that isn't mine, pounding away like a racing stallion and I see those little arms and legs moving around like a miniature spaz version of me dancing and I know that all of this is very very real.

I, Brooke Lyndsey Heym, am going to be a mother. A mother in the sense that I haven't yet been. I have loved my nieces and nephews, adored my self-proclaimed God-Children, because I'm brash enough to make that proclamation, and been the best pet-mom that I could possibly be. I have loved the role that I've been blessed to have in Gabe's life and cherish my time with him. Now I get to take that one step further. In October I get to bring into this world the beautiful creation of the love that my sweet Seth and I have made, the sibling to Gabe, my little pickled pepper peck.

Here's to you. The you person you. Whoever you will be.

Through the Looking Glass

When I think back onto the time when I was the very most myself it was when I was 6. Six years old is when I relate to me life the very most. When I need clarity I identify with who I knew I was then more than at any other time in my life. I hope that very soon I will be able to look at my 30's as the time when I became who I've always been inside. I feel it coming, but I'm not quite there and that's scary. And painful. And just horribly unfair. Unfair to myself, to Seth, to well, everyone really. What could I have done if I had just realized I wasn't actually living my life as myself, as opposed to a shell of what I had allowed myself to be formed into?

It's important for me to state right now that I am happy, and well. More than I ever have been, and it's not passing or fleeting or the result or reaction to the surroundings of my life, but rather that I am well because I am fighting to be well. It's a much easier fight than I ever imagined that it would be, but still it's a fight.

When I was six, I'm pretty sure that I was still a bit quite and shy when it came to those I didn't know, but once that bridge was built I was just me. I was confident and assured. I was happy and fun, and I didn't realize or care about things life like having spinal meningitis because life was happening in front of me and life was exciting and good. I wanted to learn and know and understand everything. I was a strong kid who just didn't worry too much about anything. That is the person that I was, that I want to be, and that I am coming to be again.

But this is who I am now. I am strong and I am a fighter, and I know what I can do and what I am good at. But, I'm broken. I'm scared. I don't trust. I don't sleep well at night because I am tormented by dreams of harm being done either to myself or those I love. I worry about everything. I was defined by success and status because it was measurable and that was reassuring to my empty heart. And now, there is a pain in my heart and in my soul that was placed there not by myself. It is unneeded, unnecessary, unwanted, and unyielding in it's persistence. It creeps up when I'm not looking and it sits there beside me begging to be given attention. The one thing that I have learned through the last year is that emotions are not logical. If you try to logically control them they will not "go away". The sit there getting louder and more persistent until finally you can no longer "ignore" them without them impacting those in your life as well as yourself. So I find myself being able to logically look at my life, not wanting to deal with things that are not welcome, and feeling discouraged by having to accept that I must stop and find out what it is that I need to finally let go of the pain. How do you give pain a voice when your life is full of goodness? I know that for once in my life I am in an entirely safe place to voice my pain. I am so thankful for this wonderful man who helps me to be safe and to have a sounding board for the pain that is not his or his making. What I wouldn't give to spare him this, and what I wouldn't do to thank him for his kindness and love. And where would I be without my sister, and Alissa, and all the wonderful yous that are the sounding boards that minimize the pain and let it quite down and go away.

My life is beautiful and good and full of so much love and I hate that can't just grasp it with my whole soul and live in it in every moment, but that there are very real things and trauma that have brought me to pain. Pain sucks.

But it's not a life sentence. I will be Me.

What would we do without You?

This was the profile picture that I saw when I clicked on my little brothers' face book page. That is his GIANT dog Tank, whom I prefer to call Hank. He's 9 months old and will keep growing until he is 2. 2!!! IThey came out to visit in July and brought Tank with them and asked he if could stay with us. Sure, I said. He have two dogs and lots of other dogs at the house all the time. We love dogs. No big deal. But BIG was the only true word in that sentence. We just couldn't accommodate him in our little home. And that dog missed his Mom like you wouldn't believe. Cried...err... howled for her the whole night, which in turn help Gabe to cry the whole night too. It was an unfortunate series of events I never saw coming. My sweet little brother has been on his 3rd tour of duty with the Army as of November 25th, 2009. I am so glad he's almost home. So proud that he goes so willingly to support what he believes in. And amazed at the strength of his family. I thought it was very sweet that this was his profile picture. That he is so proud of his wife and dog, and the other pictures of him with his sweet and all-boy boys because that is what is on his mind and what he loves and misses. I miss him, and love him. Thank you Arnold, I love you.



And in Honor of the other men in my family that have served, My older brother Robert in the Marines, as well as my father, my Grandfather, and list goes on. Regardless of politics, or measures, propositions, policies, etc. I love these men and women who serve and sacrifice for me and for what they believe. To my teachers like Vance Larson and his boy David, and my dear friends like Nate Seamons and his dear wife Mary Jane and their three kids Caroline, Anna, and baby Charlie, and Nate Lopez and Jon King who spent their time in the Navy (not at the same time) and the countless others that I haven't mentioned, I have so much gratitude and love in my hearts for you. Thank you.

If you're craving Autumn in your mouth

Ok, this is delicious. I even made it with the bacon, although I used a thick cut peppered bacon that added nicely to the flavor. It is quite rich, and the recipe says it's two generous portions, but Seth and I only ate half of it, making it four portions for us. There are a lot of different variations that can be done and I fully intend to try them all in as many combination's as I can think up.

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=130704456

Believe me when I say, It is worth the wait.

Where you never know what you just might find...

Well folks, here it is. My blog. I've been thinking about starting one for a few years now and I'm finally making the time to do it. I should be working on the novel that I'm trying to write. It's nothing noble, nor do I think I am writing an actual novel so please don't think I'm boasting. I have simply agreed to participate in the NaNoWriMo experience that apparently happens every November. You are supposed to write a 50,000 word novel in just one month. That's aprox. 1666 words per day. I am behind, imagine that, and I sat down to try to get caught up and this is where I ended up. I wonder if it's cheating to include these words as part of my writing for today? I think so. That's ok though because writing, as feebly as I am, for all of you here is just getting me warmed up for the 8,000 I'm going to be writing following this. I will do it too. Seth and Gabe just left I have 6 hours of non-interrupt time to write, with a few breaks for laundry.

For those of you who are unaware of who Seth and Gabe are, I will work to fill you in on all of the good and juicy details later. But for now, Seth is my boyfriend who prefers to not be called my boyfriend but rather my life partner, as he feels that boyfriend doesn't adequately describe what he is to me, or what I am to him. We have been dating for almost 10 months, and just recently moved in together. We are not planning on getting married- let me just say that right off the bat. I have no interest in going down that road, and he respects that and agrees that it's just not impotant for us to be married to be what we are to each other. Which is everything, and we're kind of awesome at it. Again, I'll tell you all the reasons why we are another time, but believe it's true. Even Alissa approves of this one. Gabe is his son who turned 13months old this last Friday, and he's pretyt amazing. We had him Friday through this afternoon and it was a lot of fun. We got in some good play time, some good naps, and a lot of good food.

Well, I'd like to induldge this writing longer, but I must try to focus. Welcome to all of you! Cheers, and here's to good friends, good writing, and good lives.