Sunday, November 14, 2010

Through the Looking Glass

When I think back onto the time when I was the very most myself it was when I was 6. Six years old is when I relate to me life the very most. When I need clarity I identify with who I knew I was then more than at any other time in my life. I hope that very soon I will be able to look at my 30's as the time when I became who I've always been inside. I feel it coming, but I'm not quite there and that's scary. And painful. And just horribly unfair. Unfair to myself, to Seth, to well, everyone really. What could I have done if I had just realized I wasn't actually living my life as myself, as opposed to a shell of what I had allowed myself to be formed into?

It's important for me to state right now that I am happy, and well. More than I ever have been, and it's not passing or fleeting or the result or reaction to the surroundings of my life, but rather that I am well because I am fighting to be well. It's a much easier fight than I ever imagined that it would be, but still it's a fight.

When I was six, I'm pretty sure that I was still a bit quite and shy when it came to those I didn't know, but once that bridge was built I was just me. I was confident and assured. I was happy and fun, and I didn't realize or care about things life like having spinal meningitis because life was happening in front of me and life was exciting and good. I wanted to learn and know and understand everything. I was a strong kid who just didn't worry too much about anything. That is the person that I was, that I want to be, and that I am coming to be again.

But this is who I am now. I am strong and I am a fighter, and I know what I can do and what I am good at. But, I'm broken. I'm scared. I don't trust. I don't sleep well at night because I am tormented by dreams of harm being done either to myself or those I love. I worry about everything. I was defined by success and status because it was measurable and that was reassuring to my empty heart. And now, there is a pain in my heart and in my soul that was placed there not by myself. It is unneeded, unnecessary, unwanted, and unyielding in it's persistence. It creeps up when I'm not looking and it sits there beside me begging to be given attention. The one thing that I have learned through the last year is that emotions are not logical. If you try to logically control them they will not "go away". The sit there getting louder and more persistent until finally you can no longer "ignore" them without them impacting those in your life as well as yourself. So I find myself being able to logically look at my life, not wanting to deal with things that are not welcome, and feeling discouraged by having to accept that I must stop and find out what it is that I need to finally let go of the pain. How do you give pain a voice when your life is full of goodness? I know that for once in my life I am in an entirely safe place to voice my pain. I am so thankful for this wonderful man who helps me to be safe and to have a sounding board for the pain that is not his or his making. What I wouldn't give to spare him this, and what I wouldn't do to thank him for his kindness and love. And where would I be without my sister, and Alissa, and all the wonderful yous that are the sounding boards that minimize the pain and let it quite down and go away.

My life is beautiful and good and full of so much love and I hate that can't just grasp it with my whole soul and live in it in every moment, but that there are very real things and trauma that have brought me to pain. Pain sucks.

But it's not a life sentence. I will be Me.

Friday, November 12, 2010

What would we do without You?

This was the profile picture that I saw when I clicked on my little brothers' face book page. That is his GIANT dog Tank, whom I prefer to call Hank. He's 9 months old and will keep growing until he is 2. 2!!! IThey came out to visit in July and brought Tank with them and asked he if could stay with us. Sure, I said. He have two dogs and lots of other dogs at the house all the time. We love dogs. No big deal. But BIG was the only true word in that sentence. We just couldn't accommodate him in our little home. And that dog missed his Mom like you wouldn't believe. Cried...err... howled for her the whole night, which in turn help Gabe to cry the whole night too. It was an unfortunate series of events I never saw coming. My sweet little brother has been on his 3rd tour of duty with the Army as of November 25th, 2009. I am so glad he's almost home. So proud that he goes so willingly to support what he believes in. And amazed at the strength of his family. I thought it was very sweet that this was his profile picture. That he is so proud of his wife and dog, and the other pictures of him with his sweet and all-boy boys because that is what is on his mind and what he loves and misses. I miss him, and love him. Thank you Arnold, I love you.

And in Honor of the other men in my family that have served, My older brother Robert in the Marines, as well as my father, my Grandfather, and list goes on. Regardless of politics, or measures, propositions, policies, etc. I love these men and women who serve and sacrifice for me and for what they believe. To my teachers like Vance Larson and his boy David, and my dear friends like Nate Seamons and his dear wife Mary Jane and their three kids Caroline, Anna, and baby Charlie, and Nate Lopez and Jon King who spent their time in the Navy (not at the same time) and the countless others that I haven't mentioned, I have so much gratitude and love in my hearts for you. Thank you.

Sunday, November 7, 2010

If you're craving Autumn in your mouth

Ok, this is delicious. I even made it with the bacon, although I used a thick cut peppered bacon that added nicely to the flavor. It is quite rich, and the recipe says it's two generous portions, but Seth and I only ate half of it, making it four portions for us. There are a lot of different variations that can be done and I fully intend to try them all in as many combination's as I can think up.

Believe me when I say, It is worth the wait.

Where you never know what you just might find...

Well folks, here it is. My blog. I've been thinking about starting one for a few years now and I'm finally making the time to do it. I should be working on the novel that I'm trying to write. It's nothing noble, nor do I think I am writing an actual novel so please don't think I'm boasting. I have simply agreed to participate in the NaNoWriMo experience that apparently happens every November. You are supposed to write a 50,000 word novel in just one month. That's aprox. 1666 words per day. I am behind, imagine that, and I sat down to try to get caught up and this is where I ended up. I wonder if it's cheating to include these words as part of my writing for today? I think so. That's ok though because writing, as feebly as I am, for all of you here is just getting me warmed up for the 8,000 I'm going to be writing following this. I will do it too. Seth and Gabe just left I have 6 hours of non-interrupt time to write, with a few breaks for laundry.

For those of you who are unaware of who Seth and Gabe are, I will work to fill you in on all of the good and juicy details later. But for now, Seth is my boyfriend who prefers to not be called my boyfriend but rather my life partner, as he feels that boyfriend doesn't adequately describe what he is to me, or what I am to him. We have been dating for almost 10 months, and just recently moved in together. We are not planning on getting married- let me just say that right off the bat. I have no interest in going down that road, and he respects that and agrees that it's just not impotant for us to be married to be what we are to each other. Which is everything, and we're kind of awesome at it. Again, I'll tell you all the reasons why we are another time, but believe it's true. Even Alissa approves of this one. Gabe is his son who turned 13months old this last Friday, and he's pretyt amazing. We had him Friday through this afternoon and it was a lot of fun. We got in some good play time, some good naps, and a lot of good food.

Well, I'd like to induldge this writing longer, but I must try to focus. Welcome to all of you! Cheers, and here's to good friends, good writing, and good lives.