Brooke Brooke Bo Brooke, Banana Fanana Mo Mrooke, Fe Fi Fo Frooke Brooke
Sick sick Bo Bick, Banana Fanana Mo Mick, Fe Fi Fo Fick, Sick
Safe Safe Bo Bafe, Banana Fanana Mo Mafe, Fe Fi Fo Fafe, Safe
That's hospital lingo for, "Yes, you are in the hospital and everything you say from here on out will be turned around and spit back out at you until you have now idea of what's safe and what's not while we treat you so that you will be as agreeable as possible. Ready??"
Not that they do it to purposely degrade, belittle, or demean you, because they don't. They're very nice about telling you that you don't really know anything and that you have to do what they tell you or you are being a bad mother. And, honestly, I agree with them. I know very little about certain things when it comes to health and hospitals, but other things I do know. Radiation is bad for unborn babies. Narcotics, bad for baby. Constricted blood flow, bad for baby. I also know that blood clots in mom's lungs bad for baby. Reduced oxygen saturation so that mom and baby can't breath is going to be bad. Antihistamines, inhalants, antacids, Tylenol, processed hospital foods, stool softeners, etc., those are all the things that I'm not sure about. And I mean I really just do not know.
Before I ever got pregnant, and certainly when I first found out that I was, I had all sorts of ideals and bottom lines for what I was going to allow to be a part of my pregnancy.
All natural. 100%. All the way. No medicine.
Me+Vegan=Happiest, Healthiest Baby Possible (even went out and bought Skinny Bitch:Bun in the Oven)
Exercise was going to happen every day.
Home Water birth with the Midwife of my choosing.
My baby would be a girl.
And everything would be smooth sailing at work and home right up until the delivery.
Well, I got the girl part right. Everything else I have been completely wrong about. Here's the weird part, I expected to have the realization that everything I "know" about being a mom was wrong once the baby gets here, but pregnancy was the part that I thought was really going to be in my control and that I could still "be in charge of".
At 14 weeks I was hospitalized the first time with pneumonia. They kept me for 4 days, all of which Seth was out of town and unreachable for. It was awful. I was scared and didn't know what was going with the baby, with me, or what I should allow. I knew that x-rays and CT Scans were baby and those were two of the first things that they wanted me to do. Very grateful to have my mom and step-dad there with me I started to agree to tests that needed to be done to be sure that baby and I were ok. The CT technician was my favorite part of the day. She was the first person that day to tell me that I was the boss of my body and that she wasn't going to do anything without my saying it was OK, regardless of what the doctors told her. Then she proceeded to give me really facts that corresponded with things that I already knew. In the end, we did the CT, but only after I insisted that all other tests were run first. Then my favorite technician told me that the dye was going to make me feel like I was peeing my pants, or having a "fun time". After all was said and done, everyone was able to rest easier knowing that all major complications that could endanger my life and baby's life had been ruled out and that it was pneumonia. They weren't sure of the type, but they were treating it and soon I went home. Follow up visit with my doctor said I was doing well and life was happy.
Skip forward 5 weeks, and after spending a lovely, relaxing extra long weekend in California with my bestie, I fly home and anxiously await from Seth to return home from his long Memorial Day weekend also. Things are good and great, I see some friends that Monday, get everything ready for work on Tuesday, have dinner with my favorite man and go to bed with the humidifier running because Seth had, quite literally, no voice left to speak of. Around 2:00 I wake up coughing, just like before, and we turn down the humidifier. I immediately find the inhaler they prescribed me and take my puffs on it to subdue the cough. 2:30 I leave the room and sleep on the spare bed in Gabe's room. 3:00, my entire body is engulfed with a severe throbbing ache and I can not breath more than about 1 second at a time. I go back into our room and wake up Seth. After asking if I want to go to the hospital or have him go get some cough syrup I decide to take one of the Tylenol with codeine that I was sent home from the hospital with the first time. Since I was in so much pain and my chest and throat were so tight, I thought maybe it might help me relax and breath deeper allowing me to calm down and stop coughing. 3:15 I start to throw up, violently anything that is in my body, including the Tylenol. I was also running a fever so I laid down in the cold, porcelain tub to cool off when Seth came in to ask again if I want to go to the hospital, and we are on our way. Once we got to the hospital they checked my stats about 3 times, not believing they were accurate (Blood pressure 84/42; Oxy 82% saturation; Heart rate 139; and temp 102.2) and then called back the same doctor that saw me the previous month. My doctor was called, tests were run and I was admitted to the Woman's Pavilion much quicker this time and give A LOT more tests. It was made known, again, at the very beginning that I did not want to do another CT scan, and with the previous one being negative and all my symptoms being the same as before we were able to agree to start treatment and run a CT in the event that treatment was not helping.
While I've been here I've been able to imply a little bit of wisdom given to my by a dear, unfortunately-experienced hospital going best friend of mine. Alissa told me while I was talking to her in California about my last stay that the most important thing is to treat your nursing staff like gold and your doctors like they do in fact work for you. If you have ever worked for me, you're welcome to take pity on the doctors and I won't take offense. In doing this I have this fabulous set or respiratory staff that are like my personal Charlies Angles. Not only are the the most fabulous ladies in the world who work every week in the NI-CU helping to facilitate life and miracles, they bring me all the dirt- On ANYTHING I WANT. It's awesome. They made sure that I was getting enough treatments, that I was moved to a room closer to the nurses stand because they were so worried about my stats over night, brought me an "illegal" desk fan for my room because the pregnancy was giving me a false fever and then when my stats started going up go me switch to a room that has beautiful views of the mountains with large windows and a mini-fridge and a much better cooling system. These ladies ARE AWESOME. And they're funny, and say things to me like, "Are you watching a porn film?", actually said foreign film, but now tells me to enjoy my porn loudly as she leaves my room each night, "Where'd the loud one go?", in reference to Seth-even with his lost voice, and gossip with me about the other wings in the hospital and staffs. I love it.
I was so sure that I was going home that day, but now it is 6 days later and I still have at least two days left to go. But we have been able to confirm the rare form of pneumonia that I have and run test to show that treatment is working and I am getting well. The doctors have all said how surprised they are at how quickly I'm improving, but that the road to full recovery will still be a long one. What they meant was that I have to take it easy and not think I'm healed. I'm trying to figure out how to do that, but I'm willing to give it my best go ever. We found out that we're having a girl and all the ladies keep coming by and congratulating me.
And here is what I have learned the most. Trust yourself. Trust what you feel and your gut instincts. Go with them. When we lost Anooke camping I knew we should only keep going North until we found her, but I didn't stick to my guts and I should have. I thought I should go to the hospital the first time a week earlier than we did, but didn't trust myself. As I lay in the empty cold tub barely breathing I almost said no that I didn't want to go to the hospital and that I would try cough syrup instead. We couldn't have waited another week for me to finally trust myself this time. When I crave meat, I trust my body and I eat it. I do try not to eat all the hotdogs in the state of Utah, like I would like to, but instead eat meats that are from happy, healthy, local, organic producers. And after I eat it, I don't stress about it and add more bad toxins to my body and baby. When I can avoid medicines, I do at all costs. I have all toxic free products in our house and for our bodies. And I try to be wise with my energy even. For now that means not exercising, but relaxing and having down time to take better care of my tired body for baby and me. And I still am stuck on the name Prudence. And I don't think it's a rude name for a baby.
For all the things I thought I would do, the one thing that I have been able to do is protect my baby and make the hard decisions that are ultimately going to be made for me if I don't. And I will continue to fight to make the right ones.