Days before the arrival of my sweetest friend I sat in her empty nursery surround by 32 years of love and memories. Rocking in the old gold chair that my Grandfather used to rock me in, room lit up by the lamp my mother put in my room when I was born, the crib given to me by my dearest high school friend Caroline, hand stitched embroidery made for me by my soul friend Alissa, butterflies that were framed for me by my brother Vern, and hand stitched birds hanging from the canopy made by grandma. And so many more little items either collected or given to us. I sat there contemplating the many years ago that I first knew I would one day, when I had finally found the man I trusted to be her father, that I would give birth to a little girl.
I was 19 and in a place in life I had no business being in. Despair and panic were a standard state of being for me. I could not see outside of my current circumstance and I had no direction in which to go. I went to sleep one night and dreamt about two children. The oldest was a little girl, curly blonde hair, blue eyes, pouchy cheeks. This was the first time I saw her. The next day, upset by the thought of my first child being a girl as I had always believed that every girl needed an older brother like I had had, I was driving through memory park in the avenues Salt Lake City and talking to my best friend Alissa when the song "Dear Prudence" came on the radio. I stopped in the middle of my sentence when I heard the words, "the birds will sing that you are part of everything" and I knew in that second that my first born would be a girl and that she would be Prudence and a part of everything. From that moment the men I dated no longer had to be just good enough for me, which being honest I never held a very high bar for myself, but they now had to be good enough to be the father of that little girl. I had to be sure that I was better than I had ever been in the past so that I could provide a future that she could be her best in. I also knew that before she made it here that I also need to get myself the help I needed so that I could be a stable and confident mother for her too.